Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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