How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
