I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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