I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
