I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
