wakey wakey hands off snakey
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
