you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
