Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
