his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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