There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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