Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
