dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
