haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
