His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
