Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
