His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
not ubering you a puppy
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
