were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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