i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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