My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You've changed since you got that strap on
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
