i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
