the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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