I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
