i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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