She said her name was "party"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
