The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
