if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
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