I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
