I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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