Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
