I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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