they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize