new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
you made out with another girl for some wings
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
