I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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