There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
