The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
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