You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
