He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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