i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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