Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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