And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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