I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
