Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
