I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
