I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
