At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
