fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
