yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
