a search helicopter?!
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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