dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
