my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
