if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
