just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm at about main and main street
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
