i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
It's never too late to be topless.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
