If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
