God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Ambien. No doubt about it.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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