every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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