Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize