your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
