...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize