my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
