I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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