So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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