so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
